I’m still wary of any operating system that requires me to attach a dead rodent to my machine.
“If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a ‘fix’ of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.”
-Rob Stampfli
It was only after their numbers reduced from 50 to 8 that the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.
“When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.”
-Steven Wright
“One time I went to a drive-in in a cab. The movie cost me $95.”
-Steven Wright
“I went into a grocery store and saw a sign that said, ‘Pet supplies,’ so I did.”
-Steven Wright
“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”
-Steven Wright
“After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?”
-Steven Wright
“I can levitate birds. No one cares.”
-Steven Wright
“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”
-Steven Wright
“It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.”
-Steven Wright
I photocopied my watch; now I have time to spare.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
“The report of my death was an exaggeration.”
-Mark Twain
“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.”
-Mark Twain
“Laws are sand; customs are rock.”
-Mark Twain
“Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.”
-Mark Twain
“Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.”
-Mark Twain
“Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.”
-Mark Twain
“It is better, of course, to know useless things than to know nothing.”
-Seneca
“If I love you, what business is it of yours?”
-Goethe
“The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.”
-H. L. Mencken
“Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice.”
-H. L. Mencken
“I get all the news I need on the weather report...”
-Simon and Garfunkel
“If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself.”
-Eubie Blake, at age 100
“I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.”
-Groucho Marx
“The Dodo never had a chance. He seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of becoming extinct, and that was all he was good for.”
-Will Cuppy
“I have been poor and I have been rich. Rich is better.”
-Sophie Tucker
“Every murderer is probably somebody’s old friend.”
-Agatha Christie
“Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.”
-William Maguire
“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”
-Mae West
Interviewer: What do you think of Western civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a very good idea.
“Time wounds all heels.”
-Jane Ace
“If you give to a thief he cannot steal from you, and he is then no longer a thief.”
-William Saroyan
“Technology: the knack of so arranging the world that we don’t have to experience it.”
-Max Frisch
“There are more dead people than living. And their numbers are increasing. The living are getting rarer.”
-Eugène Ionesco
“A single sentence will suffice for modern man: he fornicated and read the papers.”
-Albert Camus
“Wall Street indexes predicted nine out of the last five recessions.”
-Paul A. Samuelson
“Man does not live by GNP alone.”
-Paul A. Samuelson
“Capitalism, it is said, is a system wherein man exploits man. And communism -- is vice versa.”
-Daniel Bell
“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
-Charles Schulz
“High school is closer to the core of the American experience than anything else I can think of.”
-Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
-Yogi Berra
“It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.”
-Tom Lehrer
“In the future, everyone was be world-famous for fifteen minutes.”
-Andy Warhol
“We are cruel enough without meaning to be.”
-John Updike
“You can always tell a Harvard man, but you can’t tell him much.”
-James Barnes
Winning isn’t everything, but losing isn’t anything.
Happiness is seeing “Welcome to Cornell” in the rear view mirror.
“Never believe anything until it has been officially denied.”
-Claud Cockburn
“Men have become the tools of their tools.”
-Henry David Thoreau
“Thank goodness my education was neglected.”
-Beatrix Potter
“Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.”
-Groucho Marx
Headline: “Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged With Battery”
Eschew obfuscation.
“Everything is within walking distance if you have the time.”
-Steven Wright
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
“When privacy is outlawed, only outlaws will have privacy.”
-Phil Zimmerman
“Patience... yeah, yeah, how long with that take?”
-Ed Gruberman
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Happiness is seeing “Welcome to Cornell” in the rear view mirror.
Hard work _must_ have killed _someone_.
Experience a pleasant diurnal anamoly.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
You’re not drunk as long as you can still hold on to the floor.
“I can resist everything except temptation.”
-Oscar Wilde
Justice: a decision in your favor.
The problem with making things foolproof is that fools are so ingenious.
I still miss my ex... but my aim is improving.
I tried an internal modem, but it hurt when I walked.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I tried jogging once, but the ice fell out of my glass.
I’m an incorrigible punster... so don’t incorrige me.
I’ve got my mother’s eyes... and boy, is she mad!
If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it will.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you don’t care where you are, you aren’t lost.
If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
It says “Insert disk #3,” but only two will fit!
What if there were no rhetorical questions?
Laughter: the shortest distance between two people.
A circle is the longest distance back to the same point.
This message has been brought to you.
“Life is anything which dies when you stomp on it.”
-Dave Barry
Love is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.
It’s not a virus, it’s a terminal illness...
My karma ran over my dogma.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Not many people realize just how well-known I am.
Don’t drink and park, because accidents can cause people.
If vegetarians only eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
“I poured spot remover on my dog; now he’s gone.”
-Steven Wright
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”
-Bill Gates, 1981
1200 bps used to seem so fast...
2 + 2 = 5, but only for very large values of 2.
A fool and his money are soon ... hey, where’s my wallet?!?
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
A mind is a terrible thing to taste.
“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind. How true that is.”
-Dan Quayle
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
-John F. Kennedy
Relax... it’s only 1’s and 0’s.
Of course it’s unreadable; why do you think we call it “code”?
Code should not be documented. Anything that was hard to write should be hard to understand.
Could you repeat the part after “Listen very carefully...”
Enjoy your work, make lots of money, work within the law: choose two.
“Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.”
-Pablo Picasso
Life is a sexually-transmitted fatal disease.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
-Ambrose Bierce
Warning: do not look into laser with remaining eyeball.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Oh no, not another learning experience...
People are always available for work in the past tense.
Whatyda mean, chocolate’s not one of the four food groups?
Trespassers will be violated; violators will be prosecuted; prosecutors will be shot.
Psychoceramics: the study of crackpots.
Calcium anthropology: the study of milkmen.
Refuse novocaine... transcend dental medication.
Resistance is useless (if less than one ohm).
Save the whales! Redeem them for valuable cash prizes!
Simon says: don’t be so suggestible.
“Smoking is the leading cause of statistics.”
-Fletcher Knebel
“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”
-Sigmund Freud
Space is an illusion, disk space doubly so.
Strike any user when ready...
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
The way to a woman’s heart is through the left ventricle.
“Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.”
-Zaphod Beeblebrox
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
Variables don’t; constants aren’t.
“Waiter, there’s no fly in my soup!”
-Kermit the Frog
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
Eat when hungry, drink when thirsty, hack whenever.
“You’re a public servant... get me a glass of water!”
-George Carlin
“Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.”
-W. C. Fields
“I’m not young enough to know everything.”
-Oscar Wilde
“Most of our future lies ahead.”
-Denny Crum
“If we forget what we did, we won’t know who we are.”
-Ronald Reagan
“Things have never been more like the way they are today in history.”
-Dwight Eisenhower
“The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well.”
-Joe Ancis
The wages of sin are unreported.
The less things change, the more they remain the same.
Television is a medium where anything well-done is rare.
“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.”
